A hello!

I am back

It has been some time since I last blogged on here, and oh boy so much has happened.

The world has gone crazy due to a Global Pandemic, a deadly virus called Corona-virus caused the world to lock down back in March this year. We are now July and things are slowly opening up again, but normal is far from right now.

How are things at home?

Things have not been easy the last 4 months to say the least, the kids are off school, I have learned that I am not cut out to be a teacher… ever! There have been many tears and tantrums, mainly from me. Routine is out the window currently, I try my hardest to keep things a little normal especially with the bedtime routine. BUT lets be honest the way the world is right now its not that easy for us or our children.

William has been very challenging, his behaviour was really bad at the beginning and I was having full on melt downs and just felt like I was failing. I had such a good plan in my head how things would go when schools were announced closed. I printed out so much work for them, the school still set things up online which is great, we did the Joe Wicks P.E lessons for the first week! One thing I have always kept to which helps is having the kids up, dressed, beds made and ready first thing in the morning.

I cannot fault the school with the work they set, despite home schooling becoming an hour a day. They make regular phone calls every week, keep us up to date with what is going on at school and make sure everyone is ok. There are lots of things ready and set in place for him when he goes back in September. Including extra SEN support, courses, one on one time and a referral for CAHMS has been made. My main concern is how much is will struggle and find it hard to adjust.

For Eva its still quite normal being at home with me, shes so young she does not understand anyway. Annabelle has been great, developed a serious attitude but that’s to be expected being my daughter.

What have we been up too?

Lots of walks, and picnics, bike rides, trips to the park now they are open again, beaches, visiting people outside, baking and school work.

I have found keeping them busy is best, getting out once a day even if its for a short walk it helps a lot. Fresh air is needed. We are very lucky to have an amazing garden also, the pool, slide and trampoline keeps them outside for hours.

Mental health

My mental health has taken dips and turns, I have been up and down I wont lie. My eating and binge eating became a massive problem and I gained a stone within a month or less. I have had days were I just want to cry and hide away, I feel like I am failing as a parent. Then I have good days where I feel happier, content, we get out and have fun! Its important for me to open up to someone, I know many people are feeling the same way so we are NOT alone with this. I tried t0 come off my medication a few weeks ago and felt horrendous. I was suffering with migraines, dizzy spells constantly, I was feeling super lethargic and just not myself. I realised now is not the right time to come off my medication. I started making TikTok videos which has helped a lot, entertaining myself and others. I am not on another journey to lose 2.5 stone which is going well! And I document it everyday.

Despite what is going on in the world this has all opened my eyes, its taught me not to take little things like going to the shops for granted. Being able to hug friends and family, not having to queue for essentials. But most importantly it has brought me more precious time with my children. We have made lots of lovely memories, we have had endless cuddles- despite tantrums. And I have just really appreciated having them all under the roof with me! 6 months is a very long time for us all, and for the older two to be missing school, but having them home with me for this extra time to keep them safe has been a blessing!

When we come out the other side I am definitely going to appreciate all the little things, we wont get this time back despite how awful it is. So I cuddle my babies tight every chance I get.

Thank you for reading, see you in the next one!

Sian x

10 ways to keep a strong relationship!

Grab yourself a hot beverage or a bottle of wine, all the snacks, sit down, relax and enjoy!

Relationships take time, effort, commitment, compassion, and respect. Along side many other things for a relationship to survive you have to be equal!

No one is better than the other.

There are actually 5 stages of building a good relationship:

Attraction

Dating

Disappointment

Stability

And commitment

You may experience these 5 things, and that’s okay because it may help you find the one!

I strongly believe there is someone out there for everyone.

So I have created a list of 12 ways I think may help you in your relationship!

Before a full blown argument wait 5 minutes:

Decide if you really want to do this.. Is it worth it? Can you be bothered? Do you really give a shit? Chances are you only thought you did. The amount of times I could have let little things that were built up inside my head get to me, but then I relised their not that big of a deal.

Talk

Gaah this is so damn important. The best thing you can ever do is talk to each other. If he/she is being an asshole- tell them! If there’s something you think you could have done differently. The last thing you want is to allow yourself to explode during an argument, over something you would have rather talked about.

Your partner is your best friend, the one you have chosen to spend your life with, they are the person that will listen to you like no other.

Do something special together

Plan a night away, or grab a bite to eat, bowling can even be fun, or a walk along the beach with an ice cream. I would love to go back to where me and Michael had our first date.

Remember what it was like, where we first made a connection.

Even visit somewhere we loved and enjoyed with powerful memories..

Perhaps you could try something new and build that excitment seratonin hormone in our brains.

Give and Take

Giving and taking is important. Not like the ones you set your children, but ones that can help you respect and trust each other. Even set the same ones for yourself

If you’ve both decided he’s coming back from his night out with his friends at 2am, then you should do the same on your night out.

Abide by that principle, it takes two to make a relationship work.

Tell them things you may not like them doing, but don’t be shocked if they provide you with the same advice.

It’s not easy maintain a relationship, but having one with comfortable boundaries avoids arguments and setbacks.

It can also prove eachothers trust.

Put your phone down

So many of us are guilty of sticking on a film, sitting down together, and becoming glued to our phones.

This isn’t healthy, how can you expect to connect if you can’t even put your phone down during a time you’re actually sat in silence together?!

Sharing the load

He’s had a hard day at work it’s not sexist to assume you’re cooking tonight, perhaps run him a bath?

However when we’ve had a hard week with the kids, maybe he could return the favour at the weekend.

Learn to have time apart

It’s not healthy to live in each others pockets! You can go to the gym on your own, or out for a drink with your friends alone. You don’t need to be together 24/7, that includes texting and phone calls.

Absence makes the heart grow fonder, you’ll appreciate each other more having that little space.

Admit when you’re wrong

There is nothing wrong with being wrong, we can’t be right all the time.

Be the bigger person as they say, don’t dig your heels in further. Or just agree to disagree.

Don’t take them for granted

I think we’ve all taken our partners for granted, but try not too!

It’s both of you against the world, make sure you tell them you love them every day, that you appreciate them, and you find them sexy.

Thank them for cooking dinner, or washing your clothes.. Just let them know you are grateful!

Enjoy intimacy

It’s not the B all and the end all. Sometimes she’s tired, he’s tired, we’re not in the mood or can’t be bothered.

But it is important to find a little time for some intimacy- it can bring you closer as a couple, it releases dopamine in the brain; which gives you that high happy feeling. Being intimate can also reduce stress levels.

And let’s face it…

Naked post sex cuddles are the best.

I hope you enjoyed my blog

Ill see you in the next one

All my love

S

x

Don’t Fear the Smear.

Book your smear today!

I went for my smear test today, I was actually really happy about being called to go. Not because of the procedure, but because it can save your life. Cancer testing is so important to me.

I think it’s absolutely awful that us women have to wait until we are almost 25 to receive a smear on the NHS, cervical cancer can hit anybody at any time!

They say the risk is lower in women under 30 and that may be so, but look at Jade Goodey for example. She was just 27 years old when she died of cervical cancer.

I have been talking to a few lovely ladies today who had things picked up on a smear, which is completely heartbreaking. But as they said to me despite all the treatments, operations and tests that smear has probably saved their life and given them time with their children!

Cervical cancer is cancer of the women’s cervix (the entrance to the womb).

One of the reasons it is so incredibly important to get your smear done is because; often in the early stages, there are no symptoms! Meaning you could have it and be completely unaware.. The only way of knowing would be a smear test.

Let me tell you cancer waits for no one. Cancer doesn’t care if you have children, or if you are planning to start a family, if you’re getting married, or if you are buying your first house.

I hate to sound harsh and blunt I really do, but I just can’t stress enough how bloody important this one simple 5 minute test really is.

Women between the ages of 25 and 49 are invited for a smear every 3 years, and women aged between 50 and 64 every 5 years.

It really is such a quick and easy procedure.

I won’t lie I got anxious about it, I thought about cancelling.. But I knew I couldn’t!

No its not pleasant taking your bottoms and underwear off and exposing yourself to a stranger, it’s a little uncomfortable as they pop the speculum into you. It’s simply a plastic instrument used to open you up abit so they gain better access to your cervix.

The speculum and the swab

To be honest I think the only reason it is a little uncomfortable is because we tense ourselves, when she was swabbing the cells it actually tickled.

A swab is used to take some cells from your cervix which are then sent off to be tested. They are checking for HPV (human papilloma virus), the virus that can cause abnormal cells.

The nurses are usually so lovely and really do understand our fears and worries about it all, they will do their best to make you feel at ease.

As my nurse was doing it today she started talking about how every women looks different because I was worried about not having a shave, she reassured me she had seen it all.

She went deep into conversation about the human anatomy, and how no women’s bits are they same. She also mentioned in 2 weeks time she’s got a whole day of cervical smears, which she is more than happy to take on!

I can assure you they don’t care what you look like down there, they would rather save your life. Preventing you from possible intrusive tests and operations, which could later lead you to infertility.

HPV is the cause of almost all cervical cancer cases, HPV is sexually transmitted.. So if you’re sexually active you are at risk!

Sometimes abnormal changes to the cells of the cervix can later lead to cervical cancer too.

If your cervical smear was to come back that you had the HPV cells, I know I would freak out! But it doesn’t always mean the C word. Every women at some point is likely to have had these cells, and rest assured they are treatable, especially having that smear and catching them early.

You would be so monitored and cared for.

Cervical cancer is also treatable, with a lesser risk of spreading if picked up early enough by that smear!

Results take as little as 2 weeks.

Even if you have

Had the HPV vaccine at school

Have only had 1 sexual partner

Had one partner for a very long time

You are a lesbian or bisexual

Are a trans man with a cervix

Or you have only had a partial hysterectomy

YOU ARE STILL AT RISK!!

It is a choice to go for your smear, it is your choice to save your life!

For me it’s a no brainer, I would not let my anxiety beat me on this! As a mother with 3 young children, I’d be pretty stupid not to go.

Even if you don’t have children think of your Friends, Family, your partner! If you’re scared take someone with you, have someone hold your hand.

I’ve come across a few who are petrified.

If I could I’d come with you all and hold all your hands.

Just prepare yourself before you go, go in there, close your eyes, relax and it’ll be over within minutes.

2 minutes of discomfort for your life, is worth it I promise!

If you are due your smear please please, pick up your phone and book it in now!

All my love

See you in my next Blog

Sian

X

Avoiding the Christmas Stress

There is such a stigma that surrounds Christmas. Whilst it’s the most wonderful time of the year, it’s also the most expensive and stressful time.

Getting everything organised, preparing to see family, yes you’ve got to sit at the table with that cousin you hate. Buying presents, cooking dinner, christmas shopping, entertaining the kids, wrapping presents. There is just so much to do.

I’m abit useless when it comes to my Christmas shopping, I always leave it till December. I like to get Annabelles birthday out the way first, and then make a start!

Every year I tell myself I’ll start buying gifts in the January sales, and putting money by each month. But do I? Do I ****.

If you want to be less like me, I’ve come up with some ways I can help you. Whilst I might not be the best at getting my Christmas shopping done and dusted by November, I do do some of the things mentioned below.

Without further ado….

Forget the expectations:

So last year you bought your mum that Michael Kors purse she really wanted, or your partner the xbox he’d been going on about non stop. That doesn’t mean you have to top that every year.

Maybe you had a bonus at work, or could afford it last year. But it’s not doable every time, it doesn’t have to be expensive.

Some people actually rate Christmas to be more stressful than getting divorced, moving house or even being burgled. Don’t put that pressure on yourself, it’s the thought that counts!

Plan ahead:

Again something I have only just started doing, which I will bloody kick myself for on a few weeks.

I know this would take so much time and stress off my shoulders, heck I may actually listen to myself next year.

Start making those lists, write down everything that needs to be done, everything you need and want to buy.

Whether that be food, presents, decorations, write it down and make a start.

Plan your travel arrangements. If you’re going to your parents house and plan on drinking, how are you getting home?

Prioritising the list is important, make a mark next to the most important things you need sorted first.

Sometimes delagating things to others can definitely reduce that load. And save your list for the years to come, you may thank yourself.

Slow down:

Stop rushing! You do not need to buy, wrap, and decorate the house all in one day.

The festive season is supposed to be exciting and some what relaxing, it will get done.

Budget:

Make a budget and try your hardest to stick to it; whether you’re rolling in money or trying to make ends meat, we all need a realistic budget.

Don’t go getting yourself into debt, you don’t need to take out a loan.. Simple planning and budgeting will help.

Something I think I’m actually going to force myself to do next year is open a seperate bank account with a different branch to my own. Specifically for Christmas savings.. And pop some money in there each month, even the standard child benefit we all get.

Hide my username and password if I sign up to online banking so I can’t get on to it, and let Michael have the card.

That way I might actually have some Christmas savings next year.

Christmas present limit:

Set a limit for each present if you can.

Decide who you’re buying, what you ideally would like to get them and give yourself a price limit.

For example I like to spend exactly the same amount on the kids.. Its not always about how many presents they have because some can be costly.

Now Annabelle is older she is into much more grown up things which are expensive, William and Eva are still of a toy age. So it may look like more, but I’ve still spent the same!

Know when to stop:

Make sure you enjoy your holiday too, the last thing anyone wants to be doing is out shopping on Christmas Eve. When you’re done, make you are done!

Sleep well:

As much as it is stressful and we have a million things going on in our minds; sleep is also extremely important.

Christmas includes late nights and early starts, especially if you have children. So you will loose sleep anyway!

As we sleep we produce melatonin, which is a hormone that regulates us and our sleep wake cycle. Effecting that is going to cause you to be miserable and rubbish company on Christmas day!

Shop online:

Yes you might still see things you like the look of and our tempted to buy.. But shopping online is more likely to prevent that temptation than if you saw it in the flesh in the store (and had the opportunity to try it on).

Not to mention those sale signs will suck you right in.

And do you really want to have to fight for that last LOL doll?!!

Just click click, add to basket and check out.

Teach your children to be realistic:

We all want t I spoil our kids, and see their beautiful faces light up with joy every year they open their gifts.

But as our kids get older, and the latest trends come out, their friends are getting what they want as gifts, our children know what they want too.

And those types of presents cost a lot. So we as parent a feel pressurised, guilty and bad if we can’t deliver.

Teaching our children young that they may not receive absolutely everything on their list, and that Christmas is about what’s around the tree, not under it… Will benefit you forever!

Excercise:

Whether it be walking or going to the gym; get those endorphins pumping around your system, stabilize your mood, and feel yourself relax a little.

I absolutely love going to the gym, it’s my time, it’s my passion, and I feel good and calm when I’m there.

And lastly

Bloody have fun:

It’s freaking Christmas. Its your Christmas too. It only happens once a year. Enjoy the food, the alcohol, the laughter.

Laughter actually boosts circulation, helps your muscles relax and lessens stress.

Which at this time of year we could do without the added.

Now I’m not saying by doing all of this your Christmas is going to be the be the most stress free, relaxing time. (let’s face it who’s is?). But if you can keep on top of things and keep stress to a minimal, you’ll enjoy Christmas that little bit more.

P. S avoid the elf on the shelf, that bastard will ruin you!

All my love

See you in my next blog

Sian xo

My Make-up Routine 2019!

Now I’m not a make up expert, I haven’t taken any courses. I’ve spent years watching beauty guru’s on YouTube and practising as much as I can.

I often get comments on my make up, good comments. People ask me what I use and where I get certain things from, thats not me being big headed at all.

If I’m honest I feel my make up is average, I’ve seen people do much better.But for some reason people still ask and comment, I’ve even been asked to do people’s make up for them.

So therefore I have decided to do a full make up routine blog for you, not skin care just make up.

Skin care is a really important part when it comes to your make up. How you treat and look after your skin is how your make up will in turn treat your face. I have a skin care routine I always follow when wearing make up, which I’m happy to dedicate in another blog.

As I’m very anal about my skin care routine.

But.. Without further a do, my make up routine 2019!Firstly when I have prepped my skin I like to use my Aldi correcting sticks. These are brilliant for the winter time, as they help with skin blemishes, imperfections, redness and under eye circles. I got this around a year ago for literally £3! They are so good.I don’t tend to use the beige stick, as I don’t find my skin has many irregularities to my skin.

But I do use the red and the green..The red helps with under eye circles and darkness.The green helps with skin redness and veins. I have a large blue vein on my nose and a few small ones on my eyelids that are quite visible. I’ve often been asked why I have a bruised nose.Not the greatest picture but I just apply where I want it and leave it, don’t rub it in as it blends in much better with your foundation on top.Next up is primer. For me this is really important to give your foundation that good base to stick on. Again teamed with a great skin care routine, it’ll help everything apply effortlessly. There is nothing worse than cakey patchy foundation.

I tend to use mattifying or matte primers, as I do suffer from oily skin, which in turn can make me look sweaty and shiny.My primers are just ordinary fair priced drug store primers.

They range from £5 to £13.From left to right in order.

Revlon photo ready: £12.99

L’Oréal infallible mattifying base: £8.99

Barry M Flaweless original: £6.99

Revolution Ultra face base: £5.00

Freedom Pro Studio Priming Water: £6.00

Foundation next and over the last few months I’ve built up quite a stash. I love foundation, I’m very guilty for buying any recommended.. If its on offer I’ll try it, so be prepared for this. I mix my foundations up daily, as in I always wear a different one every day.

Their all very good, most are drug store so extremely affordable. And they all give the same fabulous effect.From left to right in order.

Maybelline Superstay: £9.99

Rimmel lasting finish 25 hours: £8.99

Revlon colour stay 24 hour: £12.99

Maybelline fit me: £5.99… As you can see I have two of these in two different shades, this such a flawless cheap foundation

Elf: £7.50

Flower light illusion: £12.99

Estee lauder: £34.00.. This is a fantastic foundation, but I can honestly say the cheap ones I use are so alike.

My perfect colour: £3.00

Gorgio Armani luminous silk: £34.00

Urban decay all nighter: £30.00

Loreal infallible 24 hour matte: £8.99

Revolution foundation stick: £5.00

As I say I think every single one of these foundations are incredible, there isn’t one I wouldn’t use. They all do just the job for me. Today I went for the Rimmel Lasting finish.I have to say I have tried and tested many of tools for applying liquid foundation, I have used plenty of different brands. From pricer high end brushes such as spectrum to the cheaper end of super drug own.

But I can honestly say that nothing gives me that smooth, well blended, crisp finish like the beauty blender. It’s so easy to use, you don’t rub just bounce.. Simply effortless.Concealers are a must for me, some people apply them before foundation. I apply mine on top, it works the best for me. I only have 3 concealers, because I always always go back to the one I love the most, collection lasting perfection.Collection lasting perfection: £4.19, in my opinion the best concealer on the market. I would seriously compare it to the urban decay naked skin concealer which retails at 20 pounds.

Maybelline fit me: £5.99

Benefit Boi ing: £18.50Sorry the lighting wasnt the best, I tried to adjust the filter to show how I apply my concealer. I basically go under my eyes and ontop of the eyelid, then down in a triangle, a little on my forehead at the top of my nose, down my nose, above my lip and a little on my chin. If I have any spots I dab a little on there too. Blend it all in with my beauty blender.

I find it so important to then set my concealer with some kind of loose powder, it keeps it in place and stops it from going cakey. This is also super important if you’re going to wear eyeshadow; to prevent those crease lines.I just use a soft real techniques buffing brush, any soft flat brush will do. And one of my choices of loose powder.

Bare minerals: £28.00

Mayy banana powder: £15.00, this was in last months glossy box

Ben nye banana powder: £14.95

Gosh mineral powder: £9.99

Bronzer next. I literally couldn’t not bronze ever, I find it really makes your face up. I can define my nose, forehead and cheekbones and jawline so well doing this. Making them look much more slim.I tend to always reach for the benefit hoola bronzer, it also comes with the mini flat brush (as seen in picture), which is absolutely perfect for applying the bronzer and creating those defined lines.

Sleek face contour kit: £6.99

Iconic cream contour pallette: £33.50. I have to say this isn’t something I use often, as powder is so much easier to apply and blend in my opinion

Revolution ultra bronze: £3.00

Collection bronze glow: £2.99

Benefit Hoola: £26

I will then use the real techniques bronzing brush to blend.A matte powder works best for me to set everything, this is my next step. With a studio fluffy brush.

Benefit hello flawless powder: £29.00

Loreal infallible Pro matte powder: £5.99

Urban decay de slick mattifying powder: £20.00

NYX HD finishing powder: £9.00

I then go back to one of my bronzers with a very large bronzing fluffy brush, and just lightly apply bronzer all over my face. Again using whichever one I fancy that day, and not forgetting my kneck. Always so important to blend into your kneck.Highlighter comes after all that as I find it sits best. It tends to rub off if I do it before my powder. Using your bronzer lines are very handy in getting that highlighted cheek bones right.The main highlighting pallette I love and use is the Anastasia Beverly Hills Sun Dipped Glow Kit. This retails at £42.00. Which some might say ouch, but it’s such a good highlighting kit.

I have created a little video at the end which also includes my set of the MUA shimmer highlighters I sometimes use. I have them in all the shades.. They retail at only £3.50. And are such a brilliant dupe if you don’t want to splash out on the Anastasia kit.The smaller tapered brush is used to apply my highlight to my cheekbones, top of my nose, tip of my nose, cupids bow and a little in my chin. My trust fan brush which was around £2 on ebay then blends it out.

Today I actually used the blue MUA shimmer highlighter in Ice Sparkle.Ice sparkle. The last part to my face base before we have fun with eyes and lips is brows.One of the most important things in completing your look. I don’t think a face is made without those brows. Mine are not tattooed on. I have one brand and one brand only brow pencil I trust and use. I love it so much, I couldn’t get on with the pommades, so the pencil works best for me.

I use a lighter shade for the front of my brow and the darker shade for the rest.Mascara wands: £2.99 for 50 on ebay. These are to brush your eyebrows first

Rimmel Brow Professional Pencil: £3.99 in the lightest and darkest shade

Benefit clear 24 hour brow setting gel: £20.50. This is worth every penny, it will style and set your brows however you brush them on and keep them completely in place.

I used to use the benefit gimme brow which is also great, but I found this in TK MAXX and fell in love with it.

Moving on to the fun part, Eyes. Now I can’t do all these amazing cut creased looks that you see.. But I do love having a play around with different colours and shades. When it comes to eyeshadow blending is key, you can never blend the colour enough. It’s so much easier to add than it is to take away!A little snippet of my eyeshadow collection, I have way too many.

But today I went for the Morphe 3502 second nature pallette: £26.00

And the Primark Gold Rush pallette: £4.

Both different ends of the price spectrum, and both just as good.

I always start by using a fluffy brush to put a light colour all over my eyelid, this is to create that blank canvas so the colours pop more.

I use an angled eyeshadow brush to add a deep/dark colour in the corners and half way across my lid, I also take it down underneath my eye.

Lastly on a flat shadow brush, a nice shimmery or glittery colour to fill the rest of the lid.

Such a simple technique, easy so effective. There are probably much better ways of applying eyeshadow but this works for me, everyone has different eye shapes, so it’s worth taking that into consideration.. And finding a technique best to suite your eyes.Eyeliner and mascara are simple, I have a couple of favourites. I tend to wear 2 different mascaras. I find it fills my lashes the most.

NYX retractable eyeliner: £5.50

Maybelline kohl liner: £4.99

Rimmel volume FLASHX10 mascara: £5.99

Maybelline lash sensational mascara: £8.99

Maybelline The Lift Volum Express mascara: £6.00Again as you can see my lip collection is huge, I have such a massive range of liquid lipsticks. They are pretty much all matte as I love a matte lip. In there there’s New look, Revolution, Barry M, Maybelline, Bourjois, Rimmel, Sleek, MUA and many more.

I have the standard lip liner colours so they match pretty much any of the basic colours I wear: purple, red, brown, grey, pink, nude etc.

Lastly I wait for my lashes to dry and spray my face with the revolution pro matte fixing spray: £5.00.

This is the most important step to finalise your make up. It works amazingly and my make up lasts all day.

I’ve often been told when I’m sweating it out at the gym that my make up stays perfectly intact.Thanks to this.I hope you enjoyed my full Make Up routine, and this helps a lot of you asking for tips and products.Sorry guys the first little bit of this video is upside down. But it does sort itself out.

All my love

See you in my next Blog

Sian xo

Me Vs Food

We have a love hate relationship. I love food, but food doesn’t love me.

I have never been a skinny size 8, I’ve always had a bit of meat to the bone, and I’ll be honest I have never really accepted it. I was always the chubby friend at school, always compared to my slim and tiny friends. I always compared myself. I loved food, but I didn’t love any form of exercise. After all my friends could all eat what ever the hell they wanted, and stay as skinny as a rake.

It wasn’t until I reached teen years and my mental health problems started, I then developed a negative relationship with food.

If I’m happy I eat, if I’m sad I eat, excited I eat, bored I eat, depressed, I eat, anxious I eat. Food has become a real comfort blanket, an unhealthy obsession. Doesn’t matter what it may be, how many calories, or how much sugar.. I’m eating it! Over the years I have honestly abused my body with what I feed it.

Sometimes I feel like food is the only thing at the time that makes me happy, sounds so horrid and selfish when I have 3 beautiful kids in front of me. But honestly food can control my life! I’m reaching into the fridge or cupboards not even realising it. Every diet out there I have done, I’m always trying to find a way to reconnect myself, and take control of that relationship.

My weight has done nothing but yo-yo over the years, before pregnancy I sat around 10 stone and a size 10. By the time Annabelle was 2 and I fell pregnant with William.. I hit my biggest ever. A size 16/18 almost 14 stone, I had just allowed myself to eat and eat and eat. I’m an all or nothing girl let me tell you, and when food and diet is concerned it literally is all or nothing.

I have bounced from a 10 to a 14 for the last 6 years.

My problem was officially given a name; Binge Eating Disorder they call it. And boy do I binge. If you are unfamiliar with what that is, it is classed as an Eating Disorder.

There are so many different types of eating disorders.. whether you eat too much or too little, or not at all. They commonly start during the teen/ early adult years. They can lead to serious physical health problems. Treatment including medication, and therapies are available. But never feel ashamed which route you choose, what works for one doesn’t always work for another. Therapy and CBT is so hit and miss with me!

Binge Eating Disorder is where a person will eat a lot of food in a short space of time on a regular basis. Similar to bulimia you will not feel control of your eating. It is very likely to cause you distress and guilt, sometimes you may feel disconnected and struggle to remember exactly what you have eaten.

I have experienced those feelings.. I have rammed a ton of food down my throat so fast- I cannot remember most of what I had just consumed. I loose control when my binge eating triggers, I cant stop myself going back for more. In one episode I could easily eat:

3 packets of crisps

A whole large chocolate bar

2 bowls of cereal

A bag of sweets

Punnet of fruit

A whole packet of biscuits

Large slice of cake

And some chunks of cheese

This is just an example of some things I have eaten during one or two episodes, it really does vary. But I wont lie its also terrifying. How your mind can just take control like that, how you can just loose yourself without even realising. And the guilt that hits you after is just so upsetting. When I realise a short while later what’s just happened, all I want to do is make myself throw it up and weigh myself. But I cant. Its too late for that!

Doctors are usually the best people to diagnose if you feel you have some form of eating disorder. Usually the best way for them to assess you is taking into consideration; your thoughts and feelings, any diets you are on or have been on, your mental health, anything happening in your life, what you eat or don’t eat, how often you eat etc.

I honestly cannot pin point exactly what triggered BED for me.. I did have a lot go on in my childhood which effected me mentally, and that may well be the cause. I think a mix of PTSD, Anxiety, Bullying, Depression and just my moods in general contribute for me.

I have to be so careful. Any little thing could set me off, which is absolutely heart-breaking when you’ve got yourself stuck into a diet and you’re making yourself so proud. I recently started Exante which is a meal replacement diet. Sometimes these kinds of diets aren’t always recommended for people with eating disorders like me.. but for someone who cries at their appearance and weight I’ll try anything.

I did pretty well and lasted 7 weeks, but by the 7th week I could feel myself slipping, as I have started attending the gym and working out 6 days a week its making me hungry. When I get hungry, like really hungry I begin to pick. So I picked on the healthy things, things I was aloud. But then it quickly turns into “ooh one of these wont hurt”, or “its the weekend I’ve done so well I can have a treat”. Annabelle’s birthday came around, so of course I allowed myself some pizza and cake.

I cant stand that feeling the next day when I realise what I’ve eaten and what I’ve done.

Can I not just enjoy some naughty treats ever?

I can. But first I seriously need to re evaluate my relationship with food, to understand and know my limits. How I can get myself to stop when enough is enough.. To some it may sound so silly, its just food after all; I really can’t tell you how hard it is.

10 years I have spent trying and craving to be slim.

I’m at a point where I don’t know how to accept my body, I don’t know how to look at my figure in the mirror and smile at what I see.

How do I tell myself no? How do I weigh out treats instead of over indulging in everything in less than 10 minutes?!

I think sometimes it’s so easy for people who have no understanding of the disorder to just label us greedy, and say we just eat too much plain and simple. But there really is so much more to it than that, It’s an on off relationship with food, that you really have no say in how or when it happens. It’s tough trying to re evaluate that relationship and get myself back on the straight and narrow, it can be even more challenging when it happens for no reason, because their isn’t always a trigger that sets it off.

The amount of times I’ve started diets and failed, all I want is to loose weight and learn what my body wants and needs. Any little sense of emotion, or hunger,that creeps up and I’m reaching straight for the cupboards, it’s not always boredom.. Sometimes even just being at home where there’s food doesn’t help.

It’s a strange sense of relief eating during an episode. I can’t explain it but at the time it makes me feel safe, happy and satisfied, until the guilt kicks in after.

How the hell does food become such a comfort blaket?

This week I have slowly been introducing food back in after doing exante for 7 weeks, it’s been hard I can’t lie. I haven’t been awful but I have picked, I just missed food too much to continue without.

But I have also found that I can control myself, I can stop myself when it’s time. That is something I’ve never been able to do before, I open the fridge tell myself no and I close it again.. The best tip for that is make a drink, make 2 or 3 drinks if needed. They help me feel so much more full.

Remind yourself of where you want to be- body wise, mentally, physically! Food does not control us.

I can honestly say depriving myself was the worst thing I could do, I rewarded myself and over indulged.. When anyone has ever said to me “everything in moderation”, I’d think what a load of nonsense.. But it’s true.

Now I’m not ever saying I won’t binge, as it doesn’t just go away like that.. But I’m trying to train my mind, reminding myself, rewarding myself moderately a little more often than after 7 weeks! My body can’t crave it that way.

I can’t say my mental health won’t drive me to food, because at some point or another it will. When you’ve had that comfort for so long, it’s almost part of your bodies routine.

I’m rambling I know, but I need to get it off my chest! Sometimes I feel like I’m fighting a loosing battle, I laugh because it’s food for christ sake.. How does food have this much control over someone.

Im taking it day by day for now.

All my love

See you in my next Blog

Sian xo

Annabelle turns 7!

Its the normal thing isn’t it; every year when we celebrate our children’s birthday we go on about how we “can’t believe they are 3 or 4 or 5” or however old they may be.

Well I for one am that parent. On Monday my bright blue eyed, strawberry blonde sassy queen turned 7.

7!! 7 whole years I have had the absolute pleasure of being a mother, 7 whole years of loving her.It has been an exciting, stressful, emotional, loving, tiring, physical, happy 7 years to say the least. She is full of absolute sass and attitude and has an answer for everything, but I wouldn’t change a thing about her.

Did I mention she is a miniature version of me? Annabelle does her best to endeavour any challenge life throws at her.

And boy has life thrown some things her way.. Loosing a much wanted baby sister, moving schools and home half way through reception, not to mention the Arthritis diagnosis and treatment. But she takes every day as it comes head on, and she always comes out on top smiling.She is my first born, my best friend (whether she likes it or not), the little human that taught me what its like to be a mum, she taught me what unconditional love is, and how tough raising your own person really is.Annabelle has always matured before her time, she has always been my independent, intelligent one. She is the most loveable, warm hearted, kind, caring person. Don’t get me wrong she has her moments, but overall her huge loving heart always shines through.

Its really scary how quickly she is growing and developing, her knowledge of the world is beyond me.. she is forever telling me things even I didn’t know.

She absorbs everything like a sponge, and doesn’t forget a thing. Nope she will most definitely ask you for those sweets you promised her last week every single day.

Our journeys to and from school are always quite something, despite her apparent loathe for maths she will still have me ask her times tables. And of course she knows the answer and I do not.Sometimes I do worry about Annabelle coping with being the eldest, she tends to have her clothes given to her in the mornings to get herself dressed, she’s decided I am no longer needed at bath time, and she spends a lot of time in her room colouring, writing, reading and watching TV.

As nice as some may think that is, I miss her reliance, her needing me and wanting cuddles. And sometimes I worry she thinks she’s got to just get on with it, because she has to younger siblings that rely on me more.Now I know she loves the bones of her younger brother and sister, sometimes she may favour Eva more, as her and William fight and argue like I’ve never known. Despite all that it doesn’t stop her checking up on him at school, informing me if he has eaten his lunch, who he has sat with, she will even ask his teacher how he’s been if she spots her.Some may say I typical sibling looking for something to tell a tale on, I’ll stick with an interested caring sibling.

The girl can talk for England let me tell you, but she has for sure developed my worrying and anxious traits. Just like me she needs a lot of reassurance, our minds just over think too much.

My mum always takes great pleasure in reminding me this is my karma, for being such a diva as a child. What more could I want than a copy of myself?

Annabelle’s confident charisma proves well at school, she has an amazing group of girl friends and to my disliking proves popular with the boys.Every morning she struts into the playground like she owns the place, chatting away to her friends.. that girl has got her mothers gob that’s for sure.

Its so lovely to see her mates gather round her, I cant tell you how relaxed it makes me feel knowing she’s settled in so well after moving away from our home town.I admire her confidence and I think others do too, when she used to go to the childminders I bumped into another mum at the swimming pool. Her son was younger than Annabelle; but she told me how much he looked up to her like a big sister, how she helped him come out of his shell, gave him confidence and was so kind to him.

When you have off days and criticise your own parenting, beating yourself up and feeling for all the little things.. things like that remind you, you are raising and incredible child.

If you needed her she would be there, I hate to say sometimes that does exclude her younger brother William.. I cant imagine how frustrating it is sometimes, having a brother who hasn’t quite matured as quickly as you, who hasn’t always got the greatest social skills, and has additional needs. Its not always easy trying to explain that to Annabelle, to be honest quite often she doesn’t listen to a word I say! But we are getting there.

I have to say the good always out weighs the bad with my kids. Despite the tantrums, the fights, the back chat, attitude and the stress they really are my absolute world, the 3 of them I couldn’t live without.I think Eva is easy at the minute, she’s little, doesn’t answer her back, or annoy her, she’s like a little baby doll and Annabelle for sure takes on the mother hen role.

Annabelle has always been a leader, sometimes it frustrates me because she can get really bossy. I really dislike the “fine then I’m not being your friend anymore” I often hear girls saying to each other. She does take control more than she should sometimes, but again some kids like that and look up to her for that, because she will always speak up for them.. she wont have her friends being bullied, and will always check people are okay.

If she saw someone sad, or sitting alone at lunch she would talk to them, invite them to sit with her and her friends.

She makes me so proud.No one makes William and Eva laugh more than Annabelle, they really do admire and look up to her!

I hope with all my heart they will always have each others backs, stay close and protect each other in life.

Happy birthday my beautiful princess, you keep being you! You will always be my baby no matter how old you are, your love for life and passion for the world is something truly special to watch.

The one who loves to read, write, bake, paint, dance, sing, run around the park, play fight, tickle fight, brush my hair, draw, create, role-play, and also throw herself on the floor when things don’t go her way; A born drama queen, story teller, stubborn, funny, energetic, high maintenance little madam.And you are all mine!

Love you to the moon and back a million zillion times x

All my love

See you in my next blog

Sian xo

I pulled off a 9 girl sleepover, where’s my medal?!

I lost the cheese to my cracker this year, I allowed my almost 7 year old to have a sleepover for her birthday. In my house.

11 girls came for the party, only 9 stayed, only.. I had to make sure I thoroughly planned it and they had lots to do. Invites were handed out in July, with her birthday being nearer the end of October.

I am organised when it comes to things like this, and I do go overboard, I am very surprised nobody ended up in a sugar coma; (plenty of sweets put aside for Halloween though).

I started off by buying all the bits I needed and would need, that went along with the games I had planned.

I set the decorations up the night before, just to save me time on the day. Also means I can leave it up ready for Annabelles birthday!

I had aload of these banners made on eBay, really good quality and cheap.

Pin the tail on the unicorn can go anywhere.

And I finished off with lots of these banners on the doors, and the pink triangle banners went above doors.

The girls did:

Apple bobbing

Musical statues

Pin the tale on the unicorn

The jam donut game (who could eat their donut without licking their lips first).

The games were a massive hit, what’s a party without games! The donut game was just hilarious. Be sure to do it outside, it makes a mess!

Prizes are always important.

The only thing I am annoyed at myself for is being so engrossed in being the judge for the games, I got no photos!!

You can never ever do too much food! Let me tell you kids eat you out of house and home!! Don’t get me wrong some does get wasted, but it’s always best to have more than not enough.

I think I cooked around 5 pizzas

Chicken dippers

Halloween shapes

Chips

Cocktail sausages

Different crisps

And lots of sweets, chocolate and cake… Ontop of More sweets, chocolate and cake.

Me and Annabelle made our own sweet cones to take home, they are so easy and simple to do and fill with sweets. You can buy the sets from home bargains, 10 pre cut bags and ties, you just fill with sweets of your choice.

I also made little sleepover gift bags for the girls that stayed, just some random but sleepover themed bits for an extra touch of excitement.

I had the stickers made again from a company on eBay, and were so little in cost. You can have what you like written on the stickers too!

Inside the gift bags

Inside the gift bags.

Let’s talk mocktails. Me and Annabelle decided to make Halloween themed mocktails, I was slightly worried about these; some kids are so fussy, but they went down a treat. I googled around and found a couple that looked yummy.

I did alter these a little in regards to ingredients, I kind of just poured what I thought, no measurements etc.. some things I had to use a similar alternative.

Our blue potion involved;

Sour Haribo

Blue food colouring

And sprite

Our pink potion included the ingredients pictured above, I followed the recipe as best as I could, I didn’t need it with the sorbet but I added pink food colouring. Also eyeball sweets for a spooky effect. (This one was the favourite).

Lastly these were the ingredients used for our green potion. Again using eyeball sweets for a spooky effect.

They were so simple and fun to make, I like adding unusual and different twists to things.

The bouncy castle was a must let me tell you, along with the games.. it kept them outside happy and playing. I only hired it for 2 hours as I had a pamper session planned for the evening.

The pamper/glitter session was brilliant for later on, they loved being glamed up. I had planned the time for them to settle down, but I won’t lie they didn’t do much settling.

They had their faces, hair and nails done.

Be prepared for the little specs of devil.. despite a thorough Hoover it is everywhere, I mean how does it get in the babies nappy for Christ Sake?

Around 7.30pm they started to get the pyjamas on, brush teeth etc.. so we blew up the beds and set the room out for them.

Little did I know the “joy” the night would bring.

I’ve lost count the amount of times someone came to wake me up, I had get up and tell the girls to go to sleep or be quiet. Beds were moved, everyone ended upstairs, and I think it was around 2am we finally had silence.. but a 6am wake up call!

These were one of the best ideas I had.. £1 a packet, you put the milk into the packet, the box acts as a bowl, 9 hungry children- I got you!

Despite the lack of sleep and the wakeups it honestly was so nice for them, it was just an evening full of laughing and happiness, 9 best friends having the time of their lives. Such a wonderful bunch of best friends!

I hope this is of somewhat help to anyone considering this kind of madness in their home, I didn’t start the party until 3pm.. I had to mentally prepare for the sleepover of the year!

The birthday girl had the time of her life!

Is your labour bag ready?

I know I don’t need a Labour bag ready, but one thing I enjoyed and found very useful, was checklists and other people’s ideas to pack, when I was going into hospital to have my children.

Having a baby is a very special and magical time, babies do come unexpectedly sometimes, and not always when planned. Whether you’re having a planned c-section, natural birth, or being induced.. things don’t always go the way you wanted. But one thing you can be in control of and have ready; is yours and your babies hospital bag.

I feel like you can’t ever over pack, it’s always best to have more. Because sometimes we end up needing to stay in, the baby could end up having a poo narmi, and the real reality is the after bleeding! In my case it came on pretty much as soon as I got down to the post natal ward.

Don’t feel the need to go and spend loads of money on a hospital bag, a suitcase will do or an extra bag.

So let’s start with mum’s bag, these are the items I packed and found most useful to have;

. Nighties- are a must. They are loose, comfy, perfect for Labour, after labour and even after a c-section. Also easy access for midwives and changing underwear/pads. I always go up a size when it comes to nighties for the hospital. And I loved Matalan and Asda’s nighties the best.

. Maternity notes– are so important to bring, there may be something very important on there the professionals need to know. This will also have your birthing plan in.

. Comfy clothes to stay in hospital and go home in– Because lets face it when you’ve just given birth or been cut open, you’re not leaving in that crop top and mini skirt.

. A handheld fan– You will get hot and sweaty during labour.

. Plenty of giant pants– Atleast 2 sizes bigger than you’d normally buy, especially if you’re having a c section. You’ll thank me later.

. An absolute ton and a half of breast pads and maternity pads– Most definitely the biggest size maternity pads you can get, and alot of them. Most people do bleed alot. And although your milk doesn’t come in until day 3, I still leaked in the hospital.

Nipple Cream– My absolute god send was the Lansinoh lanolin nipple cream, it’s like the perfect soft buttery cream, that works just like a primer, so it stays on through feeds to keep protecting your nipples. Its also completely safe for babies. Whilst your milk isn’t in yet the colostrum is, and my nipples were extremely sore by the first night, that cream was my saviour. It made gritting through the latch on that bit easier.

Phone and or camera– Dare I even need to explain it, oh and don’t forget chargers.

Snacks– Not everybody likes hospital food, and people get hungry inbetween meals. Hoapitals do also have canteens and vending machines, but these can be costly.

Change– Which brings me onto change for parking, yes sadly having a baby doesn’t get you out of the ridiculous parking charges. I would also recommend popping a note on your car explaining your situation, if you’re in a pay and display carpark.

Pillow– I brought my maternity pillow for extra comfort.

Slippers– To keep your feet comfy whilst getting around the hospital, their floors are hard and cold. If you have a c section, you are encouraged to move around, so slippers are a must.

Toiletries– After giving birth you will want to clean and freshen up. After my c-section with Eva, the nurse washed me a couple of hours later.. using a bowl of warm water, my body wash, and freshening wipes. Freshening wipes are important for regular cleaning in places.

Makeup– It isn’t essential. With William and Eva I didn’t bother, but after Annabelle I wanted to feel somewhat normal. I even brought my straighteners and straightened my hair.

Fizzy/Energy drinks– Lucozade kept me going at the begining of my labour, however you’ll find it useful after too. You stop eating and drinking as you progress due to sickness.

Hairbrush and Hair ties– Your hair will annoy you at some point.

Plastic bag– A must for me, I didn’t want to mix my clean and dirty clothes.

Don’t forget to pack extras if you know you will be staying over, if not don’t panic your partner can grab you bits.

I would also recommend your birthing partner packing a few bits. Things you may forget, and for themselves.

Clothes.

Phone and charger.

Extra snacks.

Underwear.

Toiletries.

Food and Drink.

Numbers to call.

Lip balm and Hand cream (I am so thankful Michael packed these, my hands and lips were so itchy and dried out).

Towels for showers (hospital towels are so tiny, they did not cover my bottom).

Fan, Spray or Face cloth for you.

Magazines incase you are waiting around.

And then we move on to your new bundle of joys bag. I just used what will be their changing bag for all their bits.

Sleepsuits– I always pack atleast 4 in newborn or first size, and 4 in 0-3. You won’t know their size until their born.. And my 2 section babies were very mucusy, so were being changed often. Michael still had to grab me extras.

Vests– The same applies for vests, a few different sizes.

Coming home outfit– We all like to have a special outfit set out for them to come home in.

Socks.

Nappies– I brought a small pack of newborn and a small pack of size 1 with me.

Cotton wool balls– Plenty of it in preparation for their first poo (meconium), it’s like black tar. Most hospitals don’t like wipes being used. However I would still bring a packet just incase.

Muslin squares– Not only are they great for mopping up sick, but swaddling too!

Scratch Mittens and Hats– Keeping them warm is important. It is recommended they wear a hat for the first 48 hours. Scratch Mittens are great for protecting their little faces from their sharp nails.

Blankets– Definitely a few, they say one to swaddle and one for ontop.

Formula Packs– Check with your hospital whether they provide them, alot have stopped now. They did 7 years ago when I had Annabelle. But I had to take some for William. I didn’t bother with Eva as I was determined to breast feed, and sometimes they can be tempting.

Jacket or thick cardigan– Again for an extra layer, and to bring them home in.

Carseat– We left ours in the car when we went in to have baby.

To some this may seem like a huge list, but I am an organised over packer.

Once your hospital bag is packed it may be worth leaving it in the car. It’s not something you want to forget, and atleast that way it’s there ready to go. It would be very handy if you were away from home and went into labour.

Baby Loss Awareness 2019

Photo credit; http://www.lullabytrust.org.uk

Why is baby loss such a taboo topic? Why do others think we don’t want to talk about it? Why do we allow ourselves to suffer in silence?.

My own photo

Nobody can ever prepare you when you loose your baby. Nobody knows why bad things happen, why our baby is chosen to die, or have severe problems that later cause death. Why they die suddenly with no explanation, or why our bodies decide to reject our babies just a few weeks into pregnancy.

All we constantly tell ourselves is how it isn’t fair, or you ask yourself why me?

The loss of a baby whether it be; miscarriage, medical termination (ending a wanted pregnancy), stillborn, death in infancy, or cot death etc.. is the most hardest loss a parent will ever face. And you know something? They are all given these different names, for different stages of a loss. But they all still ball down to the same heartbreak- the loss of your baby.

1 in 4 women will be affected by the loss of their baby every single day. In the UK 9 babies are stillborn every day. Roughly 3,300 women every year end their pregnancy due to serious complications with their baby- because they are unlikely to survive, will lead a very poor quality of life, or will only live for a short time after birth (medical termination). Around 200 babies die a year from sudden infant death syndrome (SIDS). Last year 5 babies born in every 1000 babies, that ended up in the neonatal unit died. Whether that be prematurely born, or they were born unwell.

I can only explain how it feels, for myself and other bereaved parents. I’ve also been speaking to a few family members that have witnessed someone in their family experience the loss of a baby, and how it was for them.

I don’t know about you but as time went on I often felt like I had to try and be normal, to fit back in with society. Because people are afraid to speak up about baby loss, or mention your baby that has just died. So as much as we are dying inside, for some Reason we feel like have to put on a brave face, and smile for the rest of the world.

We absolutely do not!! Cry as much as you need, say their name millions of times, shout, scream, shut yourself away, get angry, feel jealous. Let all the emotions ride with you. You are aloud to feel that way, we don’t owe society anything, we have just lost one of our children, our own flesh and blood, our beautiful baby.

I remember the day I gave birth to Betsy, my heart shattered into a million pieces it honestly didn’t feel real. I actually felt like I was stuck in a nightmare, you always think these things don’t happen to me! You hear about them but they don’t happen to you.

Well unfortunately you do, anything can happen, life can be so unfair sometimes!

Most people when they hear about baby loss feel sad for the person/people going through it. But their life then carries on as normal, ours doesn’t. We learn to live a new life, a life without a child we so longed for, a life with one less little person’s laughter, a life with one less child hitting mile stones, or starting school, or going to college, learning to drive, getting married, having kids.

Those first few weeks/months after having Betsy were just torture, so many people around me annoying pregnancies, giving birth. The day after I had her I decided to let everyone know what had happened, as I wrote my facebook status and posted the picture of her little hand prints; I scrolled down to see a pregnancy announcement.

It killed me, it felt like someone was stabbing me in the heart and twisting the knife, it wasn’t that person’s fault by any means but at the time you just feel like everyone else gets to be happy.

Reality really hit me in hospital, as I cradled my dead, cold, lifeless baby I knew I would never be able to take her home. Back then I was swamped with tremendous guilt, I didn’t want to be hear, I hated anybody who was pregnant. Life wasn’t worth it in my eyes, despite having 2 children that needed me, one of my children was in heaven alone without me.

It nearly broke my relationship, Michael tried his best to be strong for me and the kids, but that triggered my anger.. he’s behaving normally. How dare he be happy whilst I feel like this? How can you carry on whilst Betsy isn’t here anymore!

2 years on I have my good days and bad days, I begged and begged for Eva. But she’ll never replace Betsy. Betsy would have lived a horrible life of pain and suffering- if she had even survived, that is the one thing that gets me through.

Everybody grieves differently; after recently being diagnosed with complex ptsd, ptsd and Cyclothymia, would you believe I’m only just allowing my body to properly go through the grieving process.

Apparently I’m not the only one, so many bereaved parents have reached out to me feeling the same. Even family members who have supported somebody that has lost a child, one girl reached out to me and said she couldn’t even cope, let alone her sister who had just lost her child.

It affects everybody, the whole family has lost; a daughter, a sister, a niece, a granddaughter, a cousin.

Believe me when I say there is no right or wrong way to feel or behave when you loose a child. I went from angry, to sad, to full of hate in minutes. How could the world just carry on whilst I’m here suffering? I wouldn’t ever wish baby loss on anyone, but at the time everyday I asked myself- Why does everybody else get their babies and I can’t have mine? Sounds selfish and horrendous, but it’s just how you feel honestly. The jealousy in you when you see other babies is like no other.

Everywhere I went when I finally went out there were newborns and babies everywhere, I just wanted to shut down and never wake up!

It breaks me when I think about it now, because I had two beautiful children who needed me.

Anniversaries and birthdays are never easy, and we celebrate every single one, including her due date! She was still a person, still a life, and she deserves to be celebrated.

Annabelle is developing a real undestanding to it all now, understanding that her sister died. We went to her grave for her second birthday last month, and Annabelle just sobbed and sobbed! I want them to remember their baby sister, and celebrate her as a person, I want them to take their children there one day, and tell them all about their Auntie.

For anybody suffering please remember you are never alone, they will never be forgotten, and there is always someone to talk too.

Lastly I’m going to share some charities I email regularly that have always listened, replied, and never been afraid to say her name to me:

http://www.sands.org.uk

http://www.tommys.org

http://www.simbacharity.org.uk

http://www.arc-uk.org

There are also other charities you can contact:

http://www.lullabytrust.org.uk (They provide emotional support to bereaved parents, promote expert advice on safe sleeping, and raise awareness of sudden infant death syndrome).

http://www.miscarriageassociation.org.uk (They provide support to families affected by miscarriage, ectopic or molar pregnancy.

http://www.bliss.org.uk (They offer emotional support and practical support to families gain the best knowledge they need to care for their premature or sick baby, however long they live for).

If you have been affected by any of the topics discussed, please never hesitate to get in touch and talk to someone, I promise you it helps!