Triggers

I have been debating talking about this all week, but I thought tonight I would. Even if no one else reads it it’s here for myself, and hopefully one day I can look back and think you’ve been through the absolute fucking worst and come out the other side.

Incase not everybody knew in September this year I gave birth to my beautiful angel baby at 20 weeks pregnant and 1 day. Now I have battled with depression and anxiety for many many years growing up, a lot of it started when I gave birth to my first- I suffered with post natal depression and anxiety quite badly and ended up on 200mg of sertraline. So over the years I have been on and off medication for depression and anxiety, sometimes it can just be the anxiety and another time depression but more often than not they come together. Especially now.

Since having Besty and going through the trauma I am both of them have hit me their hardest, and weirdly its taken until these last few weeks for them to really rear their ugly heads. (Maybe I am over the shock of it all and it has properly sunk in). Sadly anxiety and depression are really common- with 1 in 4 experiencing depression alone in the UK and 1 in 6 experiencing anxiety, which is a bloody lot of people! So I’m not writing about this as if I am the only person suffering, but just because I want too. And if there is anybody out there going through what I am and feeling the way I do, then to let them know their not alone and be someone to talk too would be great. As I know how alone and isolating this can be.

Going back to my triggers which is the main thing I want to talk about in this blog today. I have never really had triggers in the past that would set off my anxiety or depression, but this time I am finding triggers happening a lot.

Pregnant people and babies are what seems to be setting it all off for me at the moment, and as heartbreaking as it is for myself they are everywhere around me right now. But I want to just add that I don’t hate anybody who is pregnant or has had a baby, because I truly would not wish what I am going through on anybody- and I mean that from the bottom of my heart. I just find it really really hard to see. My natural defence instinct seems to be to distance myself from that and block it out, something inside me just tells me to run away and hide! Which obviously is not the solution, one of my best friends has just had a baby (it took me two weeks to meet him) and I just couldn’t push her away for that and avoid her forever just because I’m upset. It’s life everyone deserves to be happy and to have a child if they want one, and I do tell myself that and I do mean it.

A couple of weeks ago I went to the doctors for a counselling appointment, something which took a lot for me to do, as I have been before when I was younger and never found it helpful so I did keep cancelling the appointments before this. A few friends and my mum kept encouraging me to go as they know I am just not myself. We all know there is no quick fix for this, and itll take a long time to get through (over is not the right word) and feel some “normal” in my life again. Anyway I arrived at the doctors and was told to take a seat at the back of the waiting room, and you can imagine exactly what I was hit with… a few heavily pregnant people as it happened to be the time for the midwife appointments. There was one women I accidentally sat next too before I realised, and she looked around the same gestation that I should be now (7 months). As I sat down my hands went clammy, my throat started to close, I felt burning hot, my eyes were watering and I just wanted to leg it out of there and scream, shout and cry. I want to say, “Its not fair, go away, why me?”. But I cant, shes an innocent women and it’s not her fault.

It isn’t anybody’s fault not even mine or Michael’s and I know that, I just cant help wanting to avoid pregnant people and babies or feeling the way I do, it just seems to set my triggers off a lot lately and every time I see one of them it puts me in the most horrific state for days. I don’t know why I just come away full of anger, heartbreak, sadness, jealousy and I cant shake it off. I become a total mess, I don’t know what to do, where to look, who to turn to, what to say. So I say nothing, I am quiet, miserable, anxious, I don’t eat properly and if I do its absolute junk (I comfort eat), I don’t sleep and if I do its for about 5 hours at night but broken. Nights full of tossing and turning. Right now I describe myself as a fat, emotional, angry, depressed and anxious mess. I have been doing the worst thing keeping it all in till I can’t take no more.

I thought I was doing okay for a split second this month, and all it took was a pregnancy announcement or a birth announcement and I was back to square one again! (If you’re pregnant, or have recently announced you are pregnant, or the birth of your baby please don’t take this as me blaming you or using you for how I am feeling I know its not your fault its just me)! I am just finding it so so fucking hard. I have tried blocking it out and carrying on for the kids, but it still puts me in this mood. I don’t know when this low point is going to end right now, I can only tell myself it will get easier. Probably doesn’t help I keep forgetting to take my medication since it has been prescribed, so it hasn’t even had chance to work properly yet. I want to go back to being the happy, bubbly, fun, loud, annoying person I used to be. Will I ever?? I don’t know, will this really get easier? I hope so!

The only people that are truly keeping me going everyday, and the reason I am getting up everyday is my Annabelle and William. Without them I would be absolutely nothing! Through my bad days and even just every day.. having Annabelle tell me how much her, Betsy and William love me, how Betsy will always watch over us and look after us- The big cuddles and kisses William gives me daily, those little things from my two precious people mean everything. I cannot tell you how much their words and actions help me as much as they can.

I know I have rambled on and if you have got this far now you know how I am at the moment, how you can expect me to be sometimes.. because I am pretty unpredictable at the moment. I can be absolutely fine one minute and the next I’m broken all over again, and that’s all it takes one of those little triggers which don’t seem so little to me at this minute. I am sure in time I will find all of that much easier, I have been pushing myself to visit my best friend atleast once or twice a week and be around her little boy (It probably helps he is a boy). Maybe once January is out the way (mainly the 30th) being that it is Betsys due date and it seems to be getting closer and closer, now it has become a trigger when I think about it, But as I say maybe when it’s out the way I can start trying to focus on moving forward with my life, focus on myself, my family and those around me. Instead of spending every week thinking how many weeks pregnant I should be, or how big I’d be, basically just the fact I should be pregnant and bringing my baby girl into the world in the new year, Because I am NOT!! And that is the first time I have allowed myself to say that.. but its true.

I haven’t written this for attention or for everyone to feel sorry for me. Writing things down like this is advice a lot of people have given me, and I thought it might even give people an idea of why I am how I am right now. Hopefully even something I can look back on one day and say to myself you did it,. you fought this, your triggers and fears, your depression and anxiety and you survived!!

Fingers crossed.

Author: Sian’sways

Hello, my name is Sian. I started this blog in 2017 after the death of our baby Betsy. I am the sort of person that finds writing things down and expressing myself helpful. But I want to express myself in so many different ways and talk about so many things including; Mental Health, Baby Loss, Fashion, Motherhood, Hauls, DIY, Beauty, Reviews and so many other things

7 thoughts on “Triggers”

  1. Honestly brought a tear to my eye. I can’t even begin to imagine quite how you must be feeling. I think you’re right though, the hardest time is right now and up until her due date. Hopefully you will feel more able to focus on the future once it has passed. She knows she is loved, she knows you will never forget her and she would want you to be happy. Also don’t feel bad for how you are feeling about other people being pregnant. I guarantee everybody that has been on your position has felt the same kind of anger xxx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much for reading paige! Really appreciate how much of a supportive friend you have been to me! One of the many people who have kept me going and I’m sure will keep me going xxx

      Like

  2. This is a really brave post Sian, I can’t even begin to understand how hard it would have been writing this down.

    I hope with acknowledging the triggers, and facing them head on at times, they will start to reduce for you, and allow you to get past that part.

    Always here to chat if you need it, or want to just vent at someone ☺

    Like

      1. You are being open and addressing the issue head on. That is super brave and shows your strength. It will get better some day

        Like

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