Goodbye November!!

And Thank God.

It’s December 1st which means its nearly Christmas, the time of year I usually love. This year I’m really not feeling it, of course I will throw myself into it for the kids but something will always be missing in my heart.. Especially at the most special, merry, exciting time of the year.

I’m sat here reflecting on November and what a bloody crap month it has been to me! 2018 can only get better surely? I’ll believe that when I see it.

November didn’t seem to be starting off too badly until the 13th (my birthday, and exactly 2 months since Betsy). The morning started off with me taking a pregnancy test and discovering I was pregnant…  and what a day to find out something I wanted more than anything. So feeling rather happy I kept positive, dropped Annabelle off at school and went to meet some friends in town for lunch. I took another test whilst I was there because I honestly couldn’t believe it, I even asked my friends to look and tell me my eyes weren’t deceiving me and they weren’t! I had a lovely lunch full of chat and laughter until the afternoon came, and it was time for one of the most important appointments of my life.. Betsy’s post mortem results (I’ll get into that on another post), so we had the appointment which confirmed just how serious things were with our Betsy and came home. Still I wasn’t feeling to bad because my luck seemed to be changing.

Later on that night I went to the shop and took another pregnancy test and had my friend look again, yes it was very faint but it was definitely there. I came home absolutely over the moon, but the happiness didn’t last for long. Just my luck, I started bleeding. It wasn’t heavy at the time but it was red which worried me quite a lot, But I went to bed trying not to think about it too much. Bleeding in pregnancy can happen and I have done before with my other children. Tuesday 14th the bleeding had gotten heavier, I knew the worst was happening and I panicked. Phoning the doctors I begged to be seen- I just sobbed on the phone to them, everything that’s happened to me in the short space of two months help me.. make it stop! I know they do their best but I really feel like I have been neglected recently, If I’d of been listened to after Betsy, a d&c for retained placenta may have been avoided, or at least not given just over 4 weeks later!! The doctor saw me and tried to keep me calm, but the only thing that could be done that early was blood tests. So I had two lots of blood tests over a few days, but within this time the bleeding was horrendous and I just knew what was happening. And a week later it was confirmed I was having a very early miscarriage, hadn’t I of found out I was pregnant though would of just been seen to me as my first period.

I know many women unfortunately suffer miscarriages, and can have multiple miscarriages. So I understand to some what happened to me isn’t as awful, some people may even think it was to soon to even be pregnant- and maybe their right, maybe my body did need a proper clear out and a break first.

November has also been the month I virtually broke. Whether everything is really hitting me now, or I’m just forcing myself to do too much.. I am definitely at breaking point. Back on anti depressants, my depression and anxiety has reached a whole new high! The counselling was useless to me (I knew it would be), I left so disappointed and almost back to square one. I was told to get in touch with a bunch of websites that I already have been, Where do I go from here? I was told previously by my doctor I needed cognitive behavioural therapy to help control my mind and deal with how I am feeling, to basically be told by the counsellor she isn’t sure how to deal with this particular problem and I’d need something more intense. Am I supposed to just go out and find these sorts of people on my own? I just honestly feel so let down. It might not be their fault, but I just want to start feeling normal again and I cant seem to do that on my own!

November was also the month I should of been 7 months pregnant, the month I would of hit 30 weeks pregnant.. the big count down. Get through Christmas and new year, and then we would be welcoming Betsy into the world. Me and Michael should be getting the last little bits for her, choosing her pram, setting things up. But instead we are finishing off her fence for her grave! I know I’ll never move on living with what should be, because it is not happening and it wont be happening! I just can’t help thinking about the little milestones and how my life could be so so different to what it is now. I just need January out the way and maybe just maybe, I can focus my mind to move on!

While I’m sat here reflecting on November.. a month I want to forget. The month that decided to test my strength again, and probably turned me into the worlds worst girlfriend.Because I am constantly feeling angry, sad, hateful, jealous and all those kind of things it means that Michael is the one who knows about it. It upsets me to realise that I’m fucking horrible at the moment- Probably the most awful person to be with.

So November has been pretty rubbish for me, but I knew the rest of this year would. This may seem like I’m craving attention but I’m really not, to say I am excited for December and for Christmas would be a lie! Like I said in my last blog, its just another month closer to my due date, infact I’d be due next month! In some ways I am really enjoying doing this blog.. writing everything down, opening up, talking about my life and thoughts and feelings! It’s almost like letting off steam and relieving me abit. And If you read it then thank you, If you don’t you don’t! But I wont stop doing it, its actually keeping me a little bit sane!

But whilst it has been a terrible month there is one positive thing… And that is like always my children are happy, bright, loving and thriving every single day! Betsy was their baby sister and they were so excited for her, I was so worried it would effect them especially Annabelle. But they just soldier on, smiling every single day keeping some happiness and positivity in our lives. And I really need that right now!My pride and joy.

If you read this far and have messaged me, commented kind words on something of mine, or even just given me a hug when you have seen me over the last couple of months.. Then thank you and for all your support then, now and in the future. You’ll never know how much I appreciate a simple ‘you’re doing great’ or ‘I am thinking of you’, that little hug, or even just listening to me talk about my shit day or even hour, it does help me. I may not show it at the time but it does, so thank you.

Happy 1st of December Betsy, mummy wanted to give you a special touch to your flowers this week as it’s the Christmas season. Just need your little fence up and then we can really decorate your bed, make it perfect, and fill it with Christmas!

Author: Sian’sways

Hello, my name is Sian. I started this blog in 2017 after the death of our baby Betsy. I am the sort of person that finds writing things down and expressing myself helpful. But I want to express myself in so many different ways and talk about so many things including; Mental Health, Baby Loss, Fashion, Motherhood, Hauls, DIY, Beauty, Reviews and so many other things

One thought on “Goodbye November!!”

  1. Heartbreaking to read this Sian, I wish I could just reach through my screen and give you a massive hug.

    It’s horrible to hear that the help that should be there for you is actually failing you. It is actually disgusting.

    I am glad to hear the blog is at least giving you an outlet, it is good to have something to release, even just a little.

    Take care.

    Like

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