I thought about writing this blog on your due date but I don’t know if I’ll find the words to say on that day, so its probably better I do it now and make this whole month about you, not just that one day of this month.
30th January to be precise is that day!
What was supposed to be one of the 3 happiest and best days of my life, the day you my third child was born into the world. A day every pregnant women longfully and excitedly awaits a day for me that won’t come the way it would have and won’t be a happy day.
I don’t really know the purpose of this blog as it’s not for attention or anything like that, I guess it’s just to talk about this month in general and how I am feeling about starting my year without you.
I don’t think I’m doing too badly at the moment I’m getting on with things as I don’t really have a choice, throwing myself into slimming world, seeing friends, your brother and sister keep me going everyday (there’s never a dull second with them lol), and I’m mainly just doing what I can to keep myself occupied, because I know things will feel very differently come the 30th January and I just don’t know how to prepare for it! I really want to do something special for you on that day, although it’s not your birthday it was supposed to be your day. I don’t want to be sat moping around at home I want to let you know you are so loved and I miss you so much, not a day goes by I don’t think about you!
It hasn’t actually fully sunk in yet that you aren’t coming and we won’t be starting the year as a family of five, my mind knows that’s not happening but it’s like my heart doesn’t want too. I’ve been feeling so awful I haven’t been getting to your bed as much as I could to start with, at the moment it’s been once maybe twice a week if I’m lucky. But I know you know I love you! And even though we only got 20 weeks together we created such a bond, and when I got to meet you it made me even more proud to be your mummy!
Annabelle and William look at your star every night as they say goodnight and tell you they love you when they go to bed, they haven’t forgotten about you and never will!
Mummy is so painfully sad this month has come round so fast and it’s not a month that’s not going to be filled with joy, but I know you will always be looking over me and your daddy and Annabelle and William, I know you’ll want us to be happy and enjoy life! And for you I will make sure I do, you’ll never ever be forgotten I will never ever stop speaking your name but I will live my life for you!
My beautiful little girl. with your tiny hands and feet, your little button nose, and your sweet face.. I love you!