Anxiety robbed me

I don’t really know why im writing this blog to be honest, probably because I’m led here feeling sad. Sad that Eva is growing so fast, she is 3 months old, and I don’t know where that time went because I spent most of it worried and scared.

As many of you know Eva ended up in the neonatal the day after she was born, with suspected sepsis or group b strep. Thank God it turned out to be nothing, but I cannot tell you the effect it has had on my mental health.

I have battled with mental health for the last 10 year’s, anxiety being one of the worst. I have been through some absolutely tough times in my life, I have lost a child, I have been depressed over and over again.

I was so desperate to have Eva after Betsy, I just needed my baby in my arms. So when she ended up in the neonatal I can’t even tell you how terrified me and Michael were. At one point we didn’t even know if we’d ever get to bring her home. They were extremely concerned.

She was in the intensive care part of the neonatal.

It broke my heart seeing all the wires, and tubes and cannulas in my day old baby, looking around at some of the other babies with her was absolutely devastating. I really feel for any parent that has to experience their baby in the neonatal. Whilst we are upstairs cuddling our healthy newborn, you’re just completey oblivious to what goes on down stairs, how some parents world’s are being ripped apart.

We came home from hospital when Eva was 4 days old, 3 of those days she spent in the neonatal, and whilst I was desperate to get her home when I did I wasn’t hit with the feeling I had when I brought Annabelle or William home. The excitement.

Instead I was absolutely petrified, what if she struggled to breathe again, or her blood sugar levels dropped and I didn’t know, what if I couldn’t help her. I spent every single second watching her, checking her chest, giving her a gentle nudge, recording her breathing and sending it to friends, midwives. I was on the phone to the midwife atleast once a day. I held her constantly, didn’t want anyone else too, I needed her with me so I could keep her safe.

I couldn’t relax, and I don’t remember feeling this scared with the other two. I know babies make some scary noises and do scary things, Eva choked alot on my milk as it came out so fast and still does now, she gagged trying to bring the mucus up, she would shudder and twitch, squeak and gasp and gulp and it just made so anxious.

When I said anxiety robbed me, I mean I feel like it robbed me of enjoying those first precious days/weeks with my rainbow baby. I really do because I couldn’t relax, and whilst some might say but she was absolutely fine! Yes she was, but I was so desperate for her, and she did end up in intensive care, she was feared to have a deadly infection, she did struggle to breathe, her blood sugar levels did drop, they weren’t sure if she would definitely come home at one point, that did happen. That did trigger me and it did scare the life out of me! I think until you’ve truly been through something like that it may be hard for others to understand.

I was so desperate for Eva in the first place, and it just seemed unbelievable at the time this was happening. I really take my hats off and salute any parent that has had to face their baby going through anything like Eva or even worse. Some babies don’t come out for months, years and the impact it has on your mental health afterwards is like no other. There was a little one opposite her when we first got down there that had been in since May and we were in August. Just heartbreaking.

I’ve always had a love for cleaning but going the extra mile to make sure my house is even more disinfected than ever, is something I’ll admit I do! And I’m not afraid to say that, that’s mental health for you.

I had to take Eva to the doctors a few days ago as she’s got a nasty cough, and even him listening to her chest again, counting her resps per minute brought it all back. Reminded me of them doing it in hospital. Her jabs I cried, because her having to face another needle in her tiny innocent body made me feel horrible.

I am angry at myself for letting things take over, the thoughts and feelings, the fear, it does hurt to know she’s probably my last and I won’t ever get those first precious days back! The only thing I can do now is force myself to move forward and enjoy her as she grows!

I am absolutely blessed to have her and my other children, she is healthy and happy and that’s all I’ve ever wanted.

If you ever feel like me please know you’re not alone, I totally understand, mental health is no joke and it really does effect everything sometimes, your minutes, hours, days, weeks! It sucks, but we can’t let it beat us and ruin our life. We are not alone..

My perfect girl now

Thank you for reading

S x

Author: Sian’sways

Hello, my name is Sian. I started this blog in 2017 after the death of our baby Betsy. I am the sort of person that finds writing things down and expressing myself helpful. But I want to express myself in so many different ways and talk about so many things including; Mental Health, Baby Loss, Fashion, Motherhood, Hauls, DIY, Beauty, Reviews and so many other things

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